Today’s headlines made me gasp. Anthony Bourdain, the well-loved chef and traveling host of a popular gourmet TV series, died at the age of 61. When I learned that he had hung himself in his French hotel room, I was deeply saddened. What is it that made him – or any human being for that matter – choose to end his life? At the pinnacle of his career, he seemed to be living the life that others could only dream about. Despite the adulation and acknowledgment of what he and his work meant to them, none of it mattered in the end. Why?
Some suicides may be more understandable – those suffering from mental illness, depression, dementia, untreatable illness, drug or alcohol addiction – but it can happen to anyone in any class, country, profession, age or race. Studies show that half of those who commit suicide do not have a mental illness.
We may know people who talk about ending their life. There’s little or nothing we can do about it other than continue to let them know how much they mean to us and encourage them to seek professional help. Even when they are verbal about it, which is a positive sign, you can’t follow someone around 24-7. And we may never get that chance because they masterfully hide the signs of what they are planning or it is a sudden decision with no warning.
I had a college roommate who was socially awkward and kept to herself most of the time. I invited her to visit my family, since hers lived out of state, and tried to include her in activities. But one night, after going out for the evening, I walked into an empty room. My roommate had been taken to the hospital after an overdose of pills. If she hadn’t vomited, gotten scared and sought help from a friend of mine, I would have come home to a note that said: “I’ve gone to bed early.” I could have tiptoed around a dark room only to find my roommate dead the following morning. I saw her briefly as she left the college and I was sad, but grateful that she had gotten help in time. It was only years later that she ‘let me in’ through a letter that helped me to understand.
Sadly, such stories are more common today. (I.e. suicides are up 30% since 1999). Why, with all of the tools to supposedly connect us – cell phones, computers, social media – are we feeling more alone, hopeless and isolated than ever? There may be people we work with, socialize or dine with, or just pass by who are struggling with inner battles.
While there may be little or nothing we can do if someone is determined to end their life, we can do what we can every day to make others feel noticed, appreciated, loved. We never know how our kind words or actions can make a positive difference in someone else’s life. How can we include others or just see them, truly see them, as someone important? How can we listen in a way that makes someone feel heard even if it’s just for a few moments?
A good male friend, normally upbeat, shared with me his despair over the ending of his long-term relationship. Although we lived in different states, I told him: “I am calling you every day, no matter what, to check in.” And I did for over a month until he was doing better, at which point he said with his usual humor, “You saved my butt!”
While we can’t do that for every person, what if we put down our cell phones and look around and engage with people in a way that lets them know that they are not alone, that someone cares? We are there at that moment as a witness to their life. Can we not say hello, smile, offer a helping hand? Just showing up can help someone to see that life is precious.
These headlines do more than shock us, they focus our attention on what is lacking in our lives, our society, our world. How can we use them as a wake-up call to give our attention to who and what is really important and who may be right in front of our eyes? How can we start each day appreciating our own life and the lives of those around us? It’s not too late.
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And if you do know someone who is struggling, suffering or who needs help, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Pass it on.
I need help in understanding. Please consider sharing your thoughts and insights:
Have you, or someone whom you know or love, ever felt hopeless?
While many of us may have felt despair at some time in our lives, what is it that pushes someone over the edge to take their own life?
No one knows what is in someone else’s mind, but how can we, as individuals and a society, be more aware of and supportive to those who have lost hope?
What do you believe would help someone to find the value in living?
Great questions you are asking about above. If we as a society could address adequately a response to only one of these concerns our world would be a better place indeed. You have correctly identified the source of much suffering—the loss of hope. Suicide is a symptom of a profound feeling of hopelessness. Maybe a start to addressing the tragic loss of life being taken by those who feel so hopeless that they choose suicide over all other options to attempt to re-gain the hope that all we human beings need is to take away the stigma of speaking about negative feelings to those we love. To take away judgment for people who recognize at some level they need help coping, and instead validate them for obtaining professional help. Not many people want to risk being labeled as crazy by friends, family and co-workers simply because they seek mental health the same way they might seek it at the ER for their bodily ailments…but I believe it goes far beyond that. The biggest obstacle is the voice in their heads warning them about the inherent danger of ‘not being like crazy Aunt Fanny’ that pushes someone to ignore the sadness, frustration and confusion of lost hope in time. We as a society need to take away the stigma of admitting that something is wrong, even to ourselves, when persistent hopelessness arises. We still walk around labeling anything negative in the feeling zone as abnormal, and label people negatively when the naturally-human feelings of worry, sadness, regret, resentment, hopelessness, anger, etc. arise. It’s not the feelings that are wrong. What is wrong is our society’s insistence on treating a full half of ‘being human’ as a disease which must not be accepted, and learned to handle from a very young age. It’s my opinion that if people were taught how to accept and handle all those so-called negative emotions in an intelligent way, we might be see fewer suicides from people who had all that the world tells us we need to be a success in life.
Thank you Dianne, for sharing your wonderful insights. I agree that we need to get rid of the judgment and stigma around mental illness so that those who need professional help are encouraged and supported in their decision.
And I believe that if we can acknowledge the value in each life and appreciate diversity in how each person expresses themselves, we will begin to feel more connected and hopeful.
The headlines recently have made us wonder why with Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade leaving us so suddenly. You just never know what is lurking in someone’s mind. I’m one for kindness to all. I’m a people person so I try every day to make a difference. A smile wins every time.
Thank you Sandra for the ways that you make a difference every day. You do that so well.
Hi Linda,
Thanks for sharing. the animals routinely discuss the transition back into non-physical as a very natural, simple thing. It is not as big a deal as we make it. They say there is no ‘death,’ just a change of form. They rarely have issues about leaving the body. sometimes they say, ‘easy come, easy go.’ Also, that incarnated beings transition for many reasons. Humans, especially in the U.S., make assumptions, like that someone would only choose to leave their body because they are unhappy and that that is not always the case. And that there are no victims!! That can be a very hard one for us, who like to view things in such black and white terms. So much is about perspective. Physical death has been given a pretty bad rap, and that it should be avoided at all costs. Phrases like, ‘taking her life,’ and ‘committing suicide’ are very toxic to our psyches. We judge those who choose to leave their bodies. I am not suggesting that it should be encouraged but just that, as the animals say, there is so much more than meets the eye!
Thank you very much for sharing your unique insights. They are comforting….both for humans and the animals we love. I have often felt a sense of peace and connection with my dogs who have transitioned.
To the outside world, I am a bubbly, vivacious happy to be alive woman with a great sense of humor. When I am out and about for the day, my only desire is to bring love, light and joy to those I meet, mostly strangers. I thrive on good times with my dear friends, good movies and good eats. I am financially secure and I am blessed to be married to a man who has stood by me for 39 years despite my on-going bouts of depression. He is so precious and compassionate my friends continuously ask if I could clone him. LOL!
Despite all these blessings, on January 17, 2018 my emotional pain took a turn for the worse and the only way out of the abyss was to take my own life. Obviously, my husband found me in time. I won’t go into the details that ensued… but the struggle to get to where I am now…the fight for my life and dignity has brought me to a place of calmness, resilience and gratitude.
Unless you walk in the shoes of someone who suffers from depression, you cannot possibly know what it feels like. I too, in looking back at my most desperate hours cannot understand how I reached that point of despair. It is beyond my comprehension.
Most certainly, all your suggestions are good ones… and I don’t mean to be a ‘Debbie Downer’ but I need to be honest… when I was in that lower mental state, there were no words you could say and nothing you could do to penetrate the darkness. That’s how insidious an illness this is. Having said that, please don’t stop trying to ‘sit in the rain’ with your loved ones, encourage them to get the help they deserve (make sure the health professional is a good fit), to caress their back and hold their hand like my dear friends did. They packed their bags and stayed with me for weeks on end until I was back on my feet, they shopped and cooked meals for my husband and myself… they were the wind beneath my wings. Important to know: sometimes there are just no words and that’s okay. At the very least, we know you are there and that you care.
Now for the good news, I am blessed to have found a psychiatrist who spends hours helping me unravel my crazy ideas of how I think life should work, to debunk my old tapes of the past that have no bearing on my life today and challenging me every step of the way when I’m about to go off the rails. I’m also on what seems to be the proper medication for me. It’s not always easy to find that perfect fit. And oh yes, changing my diet, changing my habitual no no’s for healthier habits. It’s tons of work and I kick and scream all the way to a healthier me.
I know about the stigma attached to mental illness. But I have never let that stop me from being a voice and a beacon of light for others who suffer. I have taken this on as a mission. This is the only reason that makes sense for me to have been one of the Chosen Ones.
I have heard from health professional sources that in the year of 2020, depression will reach epidemic proportions… higher than cancer and heart disease. It’s stunning to even consider that.
In my opinion, a likely reason for this escalation is due to the addiction to electronics… cell phones, computers, Ipads, etc. Overuse does something screwy to our brains. Don’t take my word for it. Put yourself on a self-imposed sabbatical and see for yourself how much more relaxed and clear headed you feel. We are so entrenched in the world of electronics, that our ability to connect directly one on one has gone by the wayside. How often do you go into a restaurant and see a family of four on their cell phones and Ipads. This to me is a huge part of the problem. But as I say, call me CRAZY! LOL!!!
To help me understand my own issues with severe depression, I researched TED Talks. I found two amazing talks… one on depression and one on suicide that I would like to share with you and your readers who may be suffering. This will give you an in-depth understanding into this world. Andrew Solomon https://www.google.com/search?q=Andrew+Solomon+-+Depression&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 and Gill Hayes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiOVX7qKQ24.
Enjoy!
That was a well thought out segment on the preciousness of life and the finality of suicide.
You had mentioned to me after you wrote this article if I had any feed back about depression.
I will try to recall my short but profound feeling of depression that lasted about 4 months.
The moment I would awake I would feel an anxiety that took control of all of me. I could not eat. As soon as I would my stomach would tighten. I could have a full day of activities but it all seemed so perfunctory.I had no joy doing the things I had loved. I had zero confidence in everything. I would look at a homeless person doing something and think they had more purpose than I did. Everyone seemed busy and happy .I found it hard to talk because I felt like I had nothing to say. I really felt useless.
What percipated this was two things Loss of some $$ and loss of my personal space at the same . One morning, after the problem of having my own space was regained, the low level malaise in the pit of my stomach was gone! Life is great again thanks to my friends and family
When we are happy, we feel connected, balanced, and at ease. The “shadow” side is feeling disconnected, unhappy, and out of balance. I think there is a bio-chemical reason for the disconnect in our brains. For myself, the product Sam-e helps the synapses in the brain to make the “jump” so the brain interprets situations in a healthy way. When these synapses are not connecting, any emotional trigger can become an exaggeration, and one can fall into the “abyss” or “black hole”. It is a horrible and debilitating place. I wondered “why” does my body not produce enough Sam-e naturally, as it is a natural part of ourselves. When I recently discovered Neuro Complex (Age Vital sells it on Main Street in Sarasota) the main ingredient being Folate in a particularly absorbable compound, I found I no longer needed the Sam-e and my brain synapses seemed to be operating normally. So in my case, an imbalance not created by circumstance, but because of brain synapses, for years was a debilitating condition. I thought for years it was hereditary, since my father suffered from depression and my sister had been suicidal several times. I did years of therapy but it never changed the chemistry of my brain until I found a very safe and affordable way to “normalize” my thinking. Most solutions to complex issues are actually very simple, but we have to ask the “right” question. Everyone’s brain chemistry is different, but digestion is also very connected to the brain. To get the gut flora into correct balance makes a huge difference in the brain. I hope this helps someone.