The clock ticked away, reminding me how long I had been tossing and turning as I weighed the consequences of my financial decision. Why had I been so quick to jump at someone’s recommendation when my gut told me to wait? “Costly mistake,” I thought, regretting the retirement money lost.
And that led me to question other decisions … should I have hired that contractor, did I choose the right doctor, why did I make that purchase, what should I have said or not said, done or not done … and on and on it went. At 3:00 a.m. I asked myself, “Well, Linda, are there any other things you would like to beat yourself up about?” Silence. I had covered quite a number of concerns for one night. I finally fell asleep.
In the morning, I tried not to dwell any longer on my decision. It was done. There was nothing I could do about it. Later, as I checked my emails, I noticed a prayer request from a friend. She asked for prayers for a woman who was confronted with a difficult decision: Should she take her son off of life support?
I couldn’t imagine being faced with such a painful choice – one that no one should be forced to make. My heart ached for this woman and the imminent loss of her son.
It gave me a new perspective. So often, I’ve felt overwhelmed, acting as though my decisions are about life and death, when in fact, most of them never are. Life is difficult. Most times I don’t have control over what happens. But what I can choose is the way that I show up in the world, how I engage with others in an open, loving, and authentic way that, hopefully, makes a difference.
And regards to material matters, I realize that I can only do the best I can every day with whatever challenges present themselves and then I can let go and trust that it will all work out – exactly as it’s supposed to. And it usually does.
That night I fell asleep with a prayer on my lips.
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